7 Ways To Make Parenting More Enjoyable (how to connect with your kids)
Parenting is complex. It can feel overwhelming one minute and incredibly fulfillingthe next. Parents often feel pressure to raise their children "the right way." Most parents want to ensure that their children will grow to be well-adjusted to the world they live in and contribute in a way that holds value. Information on parenting styles continues to evolve and grow with time. We live in a time when information is abundant and can feel overwhelming, especially when there are varying views.
The thing is, as parents, we will get some things right, and we will do some things wrong.
Each and every parent makes mistakes when parenting, and that is not only okay, but can actually be helpful. The most valuable work in parenting is building your relationship with your children. When you make mistakes, it allows you to grow. You can rebuild the relationship when you create room to talk about these mistakes and find ways to repair and reconnect.
While there is hard work in parenting, it can also be enjoyable. It's important to take the pressure off and simply be with your children. Take a moment to let go of what to feed them, how to dress them, how to teach them, and all of the pressure on how to do parenting "right." Allow yourself to sink into the moment, observe, and have fun with them.
Here are 7 ways to make parenting more enjoyable:
Get Silly
Sounds simple, right? Yet, acting silly requires you to be both present and relaxed, which can be challenging when holding the responsibilities you do as a parent. Laughing releases endorphins and assists in building healthy levels of serotonin and dopamine. These fancy words simply mean that laughter can promote feelings of calm and happiness. Acting playful and silly with your child(ren) will increase moments of laughter and allow you to bond with them. Have you ever made eye contact with your child(ren) while laughing? It might be the purest, most precious feeling there is. You deserve more of that feeling.
2. Slow Down
Have you ever felt rushed and then tried to rush your child(ren)? It's like pressure building in a tea kettle as you desperately want them to move faster, make it to the appointment on time, or have them get dressed in an efficient manner. You may be clenching your jaw as you try to convince them to move faster in the calmest of voices. And then it happens. The pressure has built too high, and you raise your voice or begin speaking out of frustration. It usually doesn't feel good when the pressure builds and releases in this way.
Slowing down can be challenging if you thrive on being efficient with your time and like to pack in many goals throughout the day. However, this level of "accomplishment" might not be the type of productivity worth aiming for in parenthood. It can place too much pressure on you and will often leave you feeling defeated.
We need to reframe the idea of productivity in these moments and find the value in being present with your child(ren) as they play while getting dressed or somehow manage to sit sideways in their car seat when you're already late for that doctor's appointment. They are creative and curious and view the world from a different lens that is often much slower than ours. There is merit to this, and we can learn from them.
When we slow down with our children and observe the moment, we get to see what they see. As a result, we better understand how they observe the world and how they learn. When we connect with them on this level, we bond over that same experience. They feel seen and heard, which builds confidence and security.
Not only does this practice benefit them, but it also benefits you. The art of slowing down and observing leaves room for learning for everyone. So much goes unnoticed when we go through the motions of our day. So much is happening all the time. When we observe the simplest of moments, we can notice things we never have before. This can lead to a greater appreciation for these simple experiences as they often give back significantly.
3. Prioritize Parenting Goals
Do you know what your parenting goals are? These goals often change with time depending on the age of your child(ren), your personal growth, and information received on parenting. Prioritizing parenting goals can feel overwhelming if you feel as though you don't have a sense of direction in this area or if you're taking on too much. As anything extreme in one direction is often maladaptive, finding a way to function somewhere in the middle can alleviate stress.
If you're caught in the space of no direction, it may be helpful to pull some information in. You can begin personally by looking back on your childhood and assessing what you would have benefited from. Ask yourself: What did I like about how my caregivers raised me? What would I change?
If you want more than your personal experience as a guiding point, you can look into parenting styles, books, and/or channels that could provide more information. Keep what fits for you and let go of what doesn't.
Now, if you land in the opposite direction and feel your parenting goals are impossible to keep up with, it's time to pare down and establish what is most important to you. You can start by creating a list of what your parenting goals are. This list is great to look over with your partner to share what is important to you and figure out where you land as a team. Next, establish your top three priorities and assess how doable these are. Finally, figure out who can provide support to you in your parenting journey. Can a trusted friend or relative assist with anything on your list? Can you build connections with these people so you can all provide support to each other? Or are there items on the list that can be let go of for now?
There will be some weeks when things feel like they're going smoothly and others where it feels chaotic. Priorities can shift depending on the season or the needs of your family. When feeling overwhelmed, establishing a top priority for the moment can help ease stress as you can put your energy into one focus at a time and let go of the need to do everything at once. This increases the quality of what you're giving as a parent and is much more sustainable.
4. Get Curious
From a personal standpoint, I can think of many occasions when I quickly answered my child based on what I assumed he meant or even cut him off to address what I predicted he would ask for. This is often an attempt to stay focused on the task at hand (ie-getting to bed!). Yet as he's gotten older, he's been able to correct me and say, "no, what I was trying to say was…". And, you know, he often brings up an excellent point. I've come to realize that rushing through conversations with him often leads to disconnection and dampens his ability to assert himself. It is also far more likely to stall us even more as it often leads to arguments and resistance, which is the opposite of what I'm going for.
Instead of assuming what your child is attempting to say or what their intention behind an action is, try practicing curiosity. Ask them questions and try to understand their perspective. Then, allow them to hear your perspective as well. This modeling of conversation based on curiosity renders more compassion and connection. Of course, you won't always agree, but you allow for the practice of respectful dialogue and get to better know how this person thinks rather than assigning their thoughts to them. It's much more fun this way and takes a lot of pressure off you!
5. Understand Your Triggers and Your Boundaries
You are not flawed if you are getting triggered in parenting. This is normal. It's a part of any relationship and important to be aware of. When you're aware of your triggers, you can work to understand where they came from and identify how you'd like to respond to them currently. Triggers often catch us off guard. They create an instant emotional reaction by targeting past points of hurt. When you increase your awareness, the trigger doesn't feel like it's blindsiding you. Instead, you can identify that this is a trigger and work to better support yourself in the moment.
An example of this may be a child raising their voice to you. Perhaps you experienced being yelled at before and this child yelling at you brings you right back to a time when you felt threatened and scared. An immediate reaction might be to yell back. You may say things in return that you regret. In that moment, you are reacting to the trigger. You are feeling threatened and responding in a way to protect yourself. Unfortunately, this knee-jerk reaction often fuels the fire more and leads to more pain for both of you.
These are moments worthy of looking into rather than running away from. Those very moments when you feel triggered by your child's actions are wonderful moments to assess. You may recognize that this yelling behavior reminds you of a past relationship where you were yelled at. You can work to heal that wound from the source. The next time your child yells at you, you will be more aware that this reminds you of a previous relationship and can better assess this as a separate situation.
Now, this doesn't mean that your child yells at you all the time and you aren't bothered. It just means that you will feel safer when working through this with your child. You might be better able to set boundaries and tell your child that you don't like being yelled at and will need them to lower their voice before engaging in conversation. You get to decide how you'd like to respond, and that's the beauty of knowing your triggers. You choose how to act rather than feeling out of control in your reaction.
6. Recognize Mistakes as Part of The Process
Making mistakes in parenthood is part of the process. We will all continue to make mistakes in this parenting journey, which is actually a very beautiful thing. Recognizing this beauty can take the pressure off and allow us to embrace parenting with a humble and eager approach. This is important in parenthood as we want to be authentic and invested in the process. Mistakes allow us to pause and grow when we take the opportunity to learn from them. They can ultimately lead to teachable moments for both parents and children and, when addressed, can create a stronger relationship.
It is highly valuable to admit when you made a mistake with your child. You will receive respect and trust from your child(ren) when you take the time to acknowledge this and apologize. Your child(ren) needs to know that you are human, that everyone makes mistakes, and that it doesn't have to be a character trait or something that sticks with them if they too make mistakes.
7. Focus on the relationship
When the responsibilities of parenting feel most overwhelming, it can be helpful to bring all the noise down and focus solely on the relationship you have with your child(ren). That connection is more valuable than all other tasks on your parenting to-do list and will ultimately make it easier to accomplish some of those tasks.
Your child wants to feel safe, loved, and accepted by you (no matter their age). Take a deep breath, zone in on this, and enjoy the moment.
Today's pressure to excel in all things often felt by parents can create a very unpleasant experience. It's hard to enjoy your time when you feel like you're never doing enough. When this is the case, it's essential to slow down, meet your child(ren) at their level, and find ways to connect. The value this holds has a ripple effect and is far more productive than we can even comprehend. If I can be helpful in any way, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free first session in our downtown Portland, ME office or for online therapy.
Supporting You,
