4 Ways To Build A Healthy Relationship With Yourself
When thinking about relationships, it’s common to think about the relationships you have with others. We often work hard to show up for the people we care about as a means to improve our connection. While this is important, it’s just as crucial to think about the relationship you have with yourself. The way you treat yourself can be a glimpse into the quality of this relationship.
A common roadblock to taking care of yourself and building this relationship is the fear of being selfish. When you are focusing on you, other tasks are often set aside. You are the priority in these moments. These moments are crucial to your well-being. This time is not unending. In this way, you are not being selfish. Instead, you are including yourself into the mix of people in your life who need care and attention. Other people and tasks will continue to be there and you will have time to attend to them. When you give back to yourself, feel confident in who you are, and view yourself with admiration, you will show up better in your relationships with others and have more energy to attend to the tasks on hand.
If you’ve never thought about the concept of building a relationship with yourself before, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
What do I do when I’m alone? How would I describe myself to others? What is my inner dialogue like? How do I prioritize taking care of myself?
More often than not, the way you speak to yourself, think of yourself, and treat yourself is harsher than the way you would treat others. If a friend was having a hard day, you may have more compassion for that friend than you would for yourself. If this is the case, then it’s time to invest more time and energy into the relationship you have with you.
Here are 4 ways to build a healthy relationship with yourself:
Carve out time for you
If you find yourself having little down time and a great deal of distractions, you may have a hard time sitting alone with yourself. It can be challenging to slow down when you are accustomed to being busy. When you slow down and take time again to better know yourself, a lot may surface emotionally. It may be painful and something you may have the urge to avoid. It also may be the very thing you need. When we bury our lives in busy-ness, we are often pushing down the very things that need to come out so that we can heal.
Carving out time for yourself is important as it allows you the time to tend to your needs and take in the energy needed to keep up with the challenges of life. What you do with this time is up to you, but it will be important to make sure the activity is something that gives back to you and allows you to connect with yourself. You may want to engage in something relaxing or you may benefit from something invigorating. Perhaps you want to exercise your creativity or do some soul searching. You get to decide what will best help you engage in this time focused on you. You can switch it up as much as you like. The important piece is making sure that you are consistently prioritizing this time for yourself. If you have a hard time thinking about what you would do with time to yourself, you may want to think back to what piqued your interest in childhood. What would the younger version of you want to do? This can be as simple as coloring.
When we engage in relationships with others, we often set aside time for that person. That time may involve conversations, a meal, a movie, or a game. This quality time spent with the ones you care about, allows you to build on your relationship. It creates a greater depth to your connection. When you build your relationship with yourself, you begin treating yourself more like you would treat a friend. You become kinder to yourself, more loving. And when you are more loving to yourself, life becomes much richer.
2. Reframe how you speak to yourself
Have you ever noticed how you speak to yourself? Often this is a learned behavior that becomes subconscious over time. While we often aren’t speaking aloud to ourselves, there is typically a good amount of internal dialogue going on. What are you saying to yourself when you make a mistake? What about when you accomplish something? How about in the simple moments, such as, waking up in the morning or winding down at night? Are these words encouraging or critical?
If you notice criticism presenting itself in your internal dialogue, it’s time to address it. Slow down and listen. Try to understand its purpose. Often, we criticize in an attempt to motivate ourselves or hold back as a measure of safety. Unfortunately, this repeated process does damage and disrupts the ability to have a loving relationship with yourself. What may be helpful in these moments is holding compassion for the purpose while redirecting towards a dialogue that is supportive. You can thank your critical voice for trying to support you and then gently send it away as it is no longer helpful to you.
Now you’ll want to practice replacing those phrases with something more conducive to your growth. This may be really hard to imagine if it’s not often that you speak kindly to yourself. When you start, it will most likely feel strange or fake. It’ll be important to keep practicing in those moments of discomfort. This practice will eventually begin to rewire the internal pathways in your brain and then instead of actively pursuing this language, it will come naturally. You will actually begin to think of yourself in a better light. With this practice, you can naturally hold compassion for yourself because not only have you trained yourself to do so, but you’ve also experienced the benefits that come from this positive language.
If you have trouble finding ways to speak kindly to yourself, imagine how you would talk to someone you care about. That’s usually a good place to start.
3. Give to yourself what you would give to those you love
Would your daily activities change if the care you gave to yourself matched the care you gave to your loved ones? There are so many opportunities to show yourself love throughout the day. Some barriers might be feeling too rushed to do so or not allowing yourself to take up the same space you would allow for others. If the latter is the case, let’s break this down a bit more. Imagine that your day is beginning and you are preparing breakfast. Now, visualize two videos side by side. One is of you preparing breakfast for yourself and the other is how you would prepare breakfast for your partner, best friend, or child. Are you putting a little extra love and care into the breakfast you made for others? If your answer is yes, I want to remind you that giving to yourself does not take away from others. While it may feel like it, the reality is that when you give to yourself and treat yourself well, you will have more of a reserve to be able to give to others. When you allow yourself the same amount of care that you do for others, you feel less resentment, more connected, and much more grateful.
Here are some ways you can add some extra care towards yourself:
Listen to your body’s needs and tend to them when possible (get a massage, go for a walk, enjoy a bath)
Play background music to improve your environment
Take time to make (or order) meals that are both nourishing and comforting
Allow yourself to be taken care of by others
Diffuse essential oils
Play! You can dance around, engage in play with little ones, fly a kite…whatever you want to do that feels light-hearted and freeing
Slow down, practice patience with yourself, and notice yourself throughout the day
4. Reconnect with and heal your inner child
When we experience deep emotional pain in adulthood, especially if the patterns of this pain are pervasive, there are often ties to childhood experiences. Childhood is a complex time. During childhood, you are continuously learning. You are learning about relationships, how to be treated, how to treat others, what is expected of you, and what is “right” and “wrong”. You are constantly taking in experiences and making sense of them; learning from them. Your primary caregivers, teachers, coaches, and friends have a large influence on this. No one is perfect and no one can be raised without feeling hurt or bruised by their experience in some way.
When you reconnect with your inner child, you are reconnecting with the core of who you are. You are checking in with that little boy or girl who experienced both joy and pain in childhood. Healing takes place when you listen to your inner child and offer nurturance in return. A large amount of childhood pain stems from being unheard, feeling shame, and/or feeling alone. While what happened can’t be undone, you continue to have the power to access that inner child and listen to the younger version of yourself. You access healing points when you allow those feelings to be heard and validated. You now get to offer yourself the support you were craving in childhood. As you target the root of your pain, you can embrace the healing of your adult self.
This is a complex endeavor, but one that can strengthen your relationship with yourself. Working with a therapist is largely beneficial during this practice as it can provide more support and even accelerate the process. A helpful way to begin this practice is to first know your triggers. Identify what brings up big emotions for you. Get curious about those emotions and describe the feelings you have. Next, think back to childhood experiences in which you felt similarly. Explore that time. What happened? How did you feel? What did you need? Last, offer your inner child the support needed. This can be done through letter writing to your inner child, freely writing about your childhood experiences, telling that child what it needed to hear at the time, offering affirmations, and/or looking through childhood photos and offering thoughts of compassion. Through this work you are connecting with yourself at your core and building a stronger relationship with who you are today.
A healthy relationship with yourself may be the greatest gift you can give yourself. When you move toward unconditional self-love, the challenges in life become less daunting. You are worthy of your time and the value that comes from holding this space for yourself is endless. If I can ever be helpful in helping you develop a better (read: healthier) relationship with yourself and others, don’t hesitate to schedule a free first session in our downtown Portland, Maine office.
Cheering You On,
