Redefining Success for the Perfectionist: The 4 Rs
It’s a Saturday morning. I wake up early, ready to start the day. I’m feeling excited about what lies ahead and am thinking about how everything will go. First, I plan to bake a loaf of sourdough that has been waiting for me overnight, then get myself and the kids ready for the day. We are planning to meet up with a friend for coffee, run outside in the sunshine, and get back home just in time for lunch, naps, and reading. After that, we have some errands to run, and then we can come home to make dinner. Lastly, we will settle down at night with a movie and popcorn by the fire.
As I’m picturing my day, I envision smiles, eagerness from all participants, and a feeling of calm as each task gets checked off the list. I think to myself, it’s going to be perfect.
My story begins to shift slightly as I realize I’m running out of time to cool down the sourdough before we leave. It’s going to have to sit out on the counter for hours, making for some very crunchy sandwiches later in the day. Breakfast is a bit messier than I imagined with cast iron pans encrusted in scrambled eggs as we rush out the door to make it to our outing in time. Then comes the car seat Olympics as I try my best to make buckling in seem inviting to a screaming toddler. We arrive at our coffee date and thoroughly enjoy our connection with friends, yet I might have forgotten to imagine guarding my youngest child against the busy road nearby while my oldest child falls into a mud puddle. Oh, the screaming. The chaos. Thank goodness for the extra outfit in the car. Soon enough everyone is in dry clothes and we are headed home for those crunchy sandwiches. Lunch is pleasant and filled with laughter, while the nap to follow is anything but. That ten-minute car seat nap was mistaken for a full nap and here we are bouncing on beds, unwilling to even blink for fear of falling asleep! Our planned nighttime movie gets shifted to a daytime one just to catch a little downtime. I pour myself a cup of tea, take a few deep breaths, and soak up the stillness that lasts for approximately three minutes. It’s something. I refuse to settle for a simple dinner because I’ve been dreaming of homemade gnocchi all day. I prepare it during the movie and realize I’ve added a bit too much potato. It’s going to have to be good enough for tonight. Both kids look at me in disbelief that I’m suggesting they eat these mysterious clumps of…dough? potato?
“WHAT IS THIS?!”
My oldest child begins to cry because the texture really is that bad. A box of cereal and some spoonfuls of peanut butter come to the rescue. I surrender to the chaos. I fully slow down for bedtime stories, snuggles, and those sweet little giggles that fill my cup. Tonight they fall asleep quickly and I sneak downstairs for a good book and some chocolate that I’ve stashed high enough up in the cupboards so only I can find it.
I feel slightly shocked as I think back on my day. I remember the morning version of me, feeling so prepared and holding on so very tightly to what I wanted the day to look like. I’m feeling very disappointed in the turnout as all of my expectations were brought down by a couple of notches. I think back to where I went wrong and go through every detail so that I am better prepared for tomorrow. I decide I need to stop what I’m doing and begin preparing. Everything needs to be ready for a smooth, successful day tomorrow. Maybe I’ll wake up an hour earlier. Could I possibly create more time in the day? That would be helpful. Then it hits me. I’m doing it again. I’m back in that cycle of striving for perfection. I’m so easily lured back onto the hamster wheel as I’m always noticing room for improvement and a desire to do better. The result is often a feeling of disappointment. Disappointment in myself, in those around me, and the happenings of the day. The answer isn’t in doing more or doing it better. Instead, it’s changing my perspective and doing the deep inner work that will allow me to let go of unattainable expectations. What I truly need is to be able to recognize that there will be moments of joy, frustration, disappointment, excitement, and gratitude. Expecting only joy and gratitude is unrealistic as is the expectation that everything will turn out exactly the way I envisioned. Perhaps I need to loosen my grip a bit and consider all of the other people and events that are also determining these outcomes. It isn’t just up to me. It isn’t entirely on me if everything goes well or if everything crumbles.
While this idea is mildly unsettling, it does take some of the pressure off. I realize I’ve been carrying around the responsibility to control what isn’t mine to own. When I let go of that, I can breathe a little deeper and see more clearly what I have control over and how to better set myself up for success.
The 4 Rs of success for the recovering perfectionist:
Relinquish
the desire to control the outcome: Perfectionism has a way of assigning too much credit to one person. Before long, perfectionism creeps in and tells you that you can control far more than is possible. The reality is that we have little control over anything. Yes, you can control the amount of effort you place into a task, but just because you’ve worked hard, doesn’t mean that you’ll get the desired outcome. Perfectionism has tricked you into believing that the harder you work, the more control you will have over what happens as a result. There are many other factors involved in the creation of outcomes that are beyond your control.
Let’s say you planned to get to your dentist appointment on time. You leave the house ten minutes early and hop onto the highway only to realize there has been a car accident and now you are late for your appointment. You did the work to get to your appointment on time, but there are other factors beyond your awareness. Perfectionism will tell you that you should have left 30 minutes earlier, whereas the reality is that you won’t always be on time. You can’t control what happens on the road and taking on this responsibility will only increase feelings of stress.
When perfectionism comes in strong and starts lecturing you on how to do better, try to take a step back. Give yourself some space from this voice and look at all of the other factors involved in the equation. Recognize what is yours to control and what belongs to others or perhaps to no one at all. Release what isn’t yours and recognize your humanness. That part of you that doesn’t always get everything “right” is very lovable. When you engage in this release, your perception of failure and success will change and align better with reality.
Redefine success:
When feeling defeated and disappointed in outcomes, it can be helpful to check in and identify what you’re hoping to achieve. What truly gives back to you? How lasting are the benefits of that alphabetically-organized cabinet? What if success can also exist in a cluttered room? How about that moment when creativity peaks and you feel energized by your thoughts and actions? Maybe it’s in that connection you feel with your partner when you laugh over the silliest of jokes during dinner. Success can be in moments of organized beauty AND it can be in those messy moments.
Perfectionism seeks rigidity. Everything “needs” to be a certain way for the perfectionist to be satisfied. This moment of satisfaction is fleeting because this element of control can only last for so long. Life exists outside of this controlled moment and will interfere. Let’s instead try to find the beauty in that interference. There’s success in all of these working parts coming together. It just may take more practice in curiosity and expansion in your perspective of success.
Recognize limitations and Reprioritize:
Ugh, I know. Perfectionism doesn’t want to think about limitations. According to perfectionism, limitations do not apply to you. It tries to convince you that you are the exception, and while that may seem flattering, it’s often setting you up for disappointment. We are all beautifully human. We all have limitations. Every one of us. There will always be someone who can do it better and someone who does it worse. When we let go of comparison and recognize our limitations, it becomes much easier to accomplish what fills your cup.
Trying to do it all and do it well is not only exhausting, but also impossible. How is one person supposed to master all the skills with the same amount of time in their day as everyone else? The greatest of athletes are also unskilled in other areas of life. An intelligent mathematician may not know how to bake a cake. When you build skill in something, it takes up much of your time. There simply isn’t enough time to build up this level of skill in all things. We can lean on each other for support in what we don’t know or can’t do. Identify what is important to you. This can be done moment by moment or when thinking about your life as a whole. Think about how you could narrow down your focus so that you aren’t trying to achieve high success in all areas and are instead satisfied by success in a few.
When I take a step back and separate from the perfectionist, I’m able to look back on my day with greater clarity. I recognize that perhaps my expectations were too high and I placed too many tasks on my plate. I realize that making homemade gnocchi for the first time is a project better designated for a day in which I have more help (from an adult!). I can also look back on my day with a smile on my face as I realize that my child falling into a mud puddle was quite funny and something we will be able to laugh about years from now. I think back to the interrupted naptime and can see both frustration and silliness at that moment rather than only disappointment. I can look upon the day for what it was; a combination of everyone’s efforts and environmental factors. It had moments of beauty, lots of messes, and disappointments. With perfectionism aside, I’m able to see the disappointing moments differently. I don’t feel like I’m the one who made everything fall apart. I recognize that I played a part, but only a part. I can see that disappointing things do happen, but they don’t have to consume me. There is space for me to be human, to experience life as it comes, and to hold onto hope for another beautiful and messy day tomorrow.
Cheering You On,
