4 Ways to Stand up to and Work through Shame
The word shame often evokes strong feelings in people. In general, we work hard to avoid feeling shame. It’s not a pleasant feeling and often leaves you feeling stuck once you’re in it. Shame can sometimes be confused with guilt. When you feel guilt, you feel as though you have done something bad whereas shame attacks your identity and makes you feel as though you are bad. Guilt, while it still doesn’t feel that great, has the potential to motivate you to act differently. Shame will often do the opposite. We become so paralyzed by shame that we are unable to move forward and make changes. This unfortunately only gives shame more power and keeps you trapped in the idea that you are flawed. Except, you’re not flawed. Not in a way that makes you unworthy. In order to truly believe this, you’ll need to do some work to move through shame and regain a healthy sense of self. This can be painful when you’re doing the work. Yet, the intensity of that short-term pain creates space for healing and for freedom from this cycle that you’ve been stuck in.
It’s part of the human condition to avoid pain. Most of us don’t welcome pain, because it doesn’t feel good. You may be afraid that if you pay attention to pain, it will grow. This is true for both physical and emotional pain, yet we often are more apt to avoid feeling emotional pain due to the stigma attached to it. The problem is that when we feel something and ignore it, it continues to exist. Sometimes it gets louder and then it comes out in confusing ways. When we tune in to how we feel and address it in the moment, it’s often easier to process it and let it move through us. The same is true for shame. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It only feeds it.
No one likes to feel like they are a bad person and shame often convinces someone that they are bad. We work hard to protect our image of being a good person and when shame interferes with this, it can feel very conflicting. Shame is complex and built off of our previous experiences, messages that we’ve internalized, social interactions, and the relationship we have with ourselves. While the way it is cultivated differs, how we heal from shame is more uniform. Shame loses its hold over you when you face it and stand up for yourself. It’s kind of like the stereotypical bully portrayed in movies. When you use your voice, trust yourself, and understand your worth, it’s really hard for shame to remain powerful.
Here are 4 ways to stand up to and work through shame
1 . Remind yourself thatyou’re not alone: Everyone experiences shame. When you realize this, it weakens the barrier that’s preventing you from facing this shame. Shame thrives in isolation. In the throws of it, you may find yourself thinking: “I’m alone in this” or “I’m the only one who feels this way.” It makes you want to hide and disconnect from those around you. Yet this only further fuels shame. It’s often helpful to know that everyone experiences this feeling. Even the most powerful people in our world experience shame. Know that you aren’t alone in this and that you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle through isolation.
2. Identify shame triggers and how you want to respond to them: Triggers have gotten a really bad reputation. In actuality, they are a beautiful thing, as long as you’re aware of them. Once you know what your triggers are, it doesn’t mean they will stop happening, but you’ll be better equipped in how you want to handle them. Shame triggers are powerful. The response to that trigger may make you want to hide, fight back, or people please. Unfortunately this only amplifies the feelings of shame.
Imagine feeling a sudden pain in your knee. You decide to ignore it because you don’t want to feel the pain or have it interfere in your life. You think this will make it disappear. The pain is shut out to the best of your ability and you continue with your life as normal, including your running routine. Then, your knee gets worse. The pain gets louder and eventually stops you from running and engaging in all tasks. The attempt to avoid the short-term pain led to longer, more pervasive pain. The same is true for our emotions. The same is true for shame. It continues to exist if we don’t pay attention to it and allow it the support it needs to heal. Pay attention to what feels shaming to you. Is it when someone discusses financial stability? Maybe it’s in someone’s judgment of your parenting style. It could be when someone discusses topics surrounding food and weight. If there are certain topics that, when discussed, make you feel wrong or bad, then this is what needs attention. Look at it. Explore how it begins to redefine your sense of self and perhaps how it got to be this way. Recognize that these statements or judgments don’t imply that you are wrong or bad. It may instead shed light on something you would benefit from working through. When you realize how strong these triggers are, you may want to engage in emotional boundary practices. Ask yourself, “What would allow me to feel more secure in these triggering moments?”, and, “How can I preserve my sense of worth despite the pain that these triggers create?”
Exploring this can be heavy work. It can feel overwhelming. Make sure to listen to your needs throughout the process and take it slow. Therapy is a great place to safely explore this and dive deep into this process with some guidance and support.
3. Find safe people (or even just one person) to share these feelings with: Since
shame thrives in isolation, one of the most helpful ways to move through shame is to feel understood by someone who has felt something similar. This person doesn’t have to share the same experience as you, but they need to be able to empathize with some of the feelings you’re sharing. This person’s ability to empathize is crucial as this is a major healing element when working through shame. Someone who may not feel as safe to share these experiences with is a person who may reply with “What you should have done was…” or “Oh, you’re fine. Don’t be dramatic.” The person needs to be able to slow down and connect with you on the feeling that you are experiencing for healing to take place. Choose your people wisely, for this is vulnerable work, and essentially a gift that you're giving to your tribe or person of high value.
Here’s an example of how this may look: Let’s say you recently had a public speaking event that didn’t go as intended. You ended up cutting your presentation short because it felt so awful being up there. The voice of shame began speaking louder and shouting insults at you. Your initial reaction was to isolate and vow to never engage in a public speaking event again. You decided that you are incapable of your job altogether and would like to quit. Finally, you reached out to a friend and shared everything that happened. Your friend responded with empathy, acknowledging how awful and humiliating it feels to lose your words and thoughts in a moment that feels important. She has too felt that level of shame where she’s wanted to hide away and never show her face again. In sharing this and hearing this feedback, the shame becomes less powerful. It can no longer speak to you in a way that diminishes your worth because you realize that this feeling also happens to your closest friend who you think highly of. You would never speak to her that way. You also feel validated by your feelings and recognize that it’s normal to feel this way. Sharing this experience with a trusted friend allows you to work through shame. Instead of shame taking control and lessening your sense of self, you can redirect it and come back to yourself.
4. Cultivate self-compassion: Inner dialogue is very powerful. The way you talk to
yourself and think about yourself impacts your self-worth and self-esteem. The more you criticize yourself, the more you strengthen shame. In comparison, holding self-compassion can weaken shame. Compassion does not mean that you’re giving yourself excuses. It merely means that you can hold space to better understand yourself (thoughts, feelings, and actions). With self-compassion, you are treating yourself with care. It allows you to better understand your needs and respond from a place of nurturance. You are then making better decisions for yourself and propelling yourself forward.
Most often, shame will make you feel as though you only deserve criticism. Criticism and shame can become a vicious cycle and will often result in repeating the same actions or thoughts that evoked shame in the first place. So while shame seeks criticism, the result is often more of the same. This stagnation is far less productive than when self-compassion is utilized.
While being kind to yourself in these moments may feel counterintuitive, it builds strength and fosters far more growth.
If you’ve made it this far, then you’ve already done some solid work in facing shame. Instead of running from the topic of shame, you dove in and now better understand its role and how to lessen its power over you. While often unpleasant to face, working through shame can free you from so much suffering and improve your relationship with yourself. You don’t have to identify with how shame defines you. There is much more to you underneath the shield that shame creates. If I can be helpful, please don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free first session in our Gorham, Maine office!