How To Find Yourself After Having a Baby: 4 Ways To Reconnect and Find Yourself
It’s 4 am. I drag myself into the bathroom after my baby’s 3rd feed and diaper change during sleeping hours. Washing my hands, I look into the mirror and barely recognize the person staring back. I’ve been in survival mode for the past two months. Those eyes that look back at me look as though they’ve aged 10 years in this short period of time. My neck and back hurt. My focus has been solely on my baby’s safety, nourishment, and comfort. During this time, I completely forgot about my own needs. They didn’t seem so important. Until this moment in the mirror. This moment when I felt lost; disconnected from the person I once was. Since pouring all of my energy into my baby, I seemed to have lost my relationship with myself. One that I’m now realizing is much too important to disregard. Feelings of depression overcome me at moments.
When I begin thinking about all of the things that I would like to do for myself, I immediately feel guilty. The more time I carve out for myself, the less time I have with my baby. The mere thought makes my hands shake and my heart race. I’m flooded with panic. The discomfort of this feeling is so strong that I push it back down and vow to continue doing what I’m doing. After all, this relationship with my baby is extremely valuable and these months, days, and even minutes feel extra precious.
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I continue persevering and disregarding the ache of memories from my past self. I end up losing myself in this relationship. It almost feels codependent. But how can that be? This is my role as a mother. I’m supposed to be a martyr, right? Isn’t that what makes me a good mom?
And now I’m lost. Giving my all not only feels exhausting, but I begin to realize that it’s not serving anyone. I know I need to create room for my now toddler (and other kids) to grow and gain independence, but the separation anxiety returns, and I feel lost without this little human doing everything alongside me. The things I once enjoyed now feel daunting. I can’t imagine doing those things alone and enjoying them. I don’t know how to enjoy experiences without experiencing them through my child’s eyes.
What have I become in this postpartum state? More importantly, who have I become after having a baby?
Panic again ensues as this realization hits. I feel overwhelmed by the pressure to fix this immediately. I begin to wonder if this codependence has created any harm to my child. I was genuinely doing the best that I knew, but maybe I was trying too hard. The real work now is letting go. I know that I need to surrender to the feelings that I keep forcing down in this postpartum season. It’s time to meet them, hear them, and allow them to run their course. It feels messy, yet I know it’s necessary.
I step into therapy sessions and begin to unpack this anxious attachment style that has become more visible after having a baby. Carving out this time alone is a big step. At the end of each session, I feel a little lighter and affirmed in this need to have time for myself. I can greet my child with genuine enthusiasm and begin learning the value of some time spent away. Over time, I slowly come back to myself. I realize that I still have plenty to give to my child; perhaps even more. This time spent on connecting with myself and meeting my own needs not only gives back to me but has a ripple effect on those around me. I am grateful for this time to rebuild myself and happy to have brought back parts of me that I had greatly missed. I feel steady on my feet once again. I’m happy to have this little one by my side while also feeling secure in who I am alone.
I think back to where I was before and am amazed by the progress that I’ve made. I realize that taking steps towards where I am now didn’t just happen mindlessly, but was the product of consistent effort in finding myself.
Let’s explore 4 ways to reconnect with yourself after having a baby
Therapy: Not only does therapy allow for an hour of undivided attention, but it also helps you to identify and move through barriers to change that much faster. There are often many layers involved in needing to reunite with yourself after having a baby especially when navigating the “baby blues” and for some, postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. While joyous and purposeful, the process of bringing life into this world can require a great deal of adaptation. There is no “right” way to feel during this postpartum season. If the feelings you are having feel heavy or overwhelming, therapy is a great place to process this and find adaptive ways to cope.
Therapy also holds value in exploring your early childhood relationships. Much of our attachment styles stem from our earliest experiences in life and much of our early childhood memories re-emerge after having a baby. Therapy allows for a safe place to process all of this. In this space, we can release all that is burdensome and instead be guided by what is helpful rather than the anxiety or depression that feels so crippling, at times.
2. Exploring Hobbies: While self-reflection is helpful, it can also be nice to step outside of ourselves and into something that creates feelings of joy, purpose, or focus. Hobbies can create space for just that and promote a healthy way of living. Before having children, hobbies are often easier to create time for. After having children, this time for hobbies often requires planning, and even with that, there can be many interruptions. It’s important to note that these hobbies may be different than before. They may even feel a bit inconsistent or disjointed and that’s okay. Hobbies are not meant to be driven by my performance or outcome. The true value of a hobby is engagement in a task that you enjoy. It gives back by the very act of doing. And while completion of a task does feel great, this is a great opportunity to refocus on the value of being present rather than seeking satisfaction over a job well done. Allow yourself to get lost in the creative process, the separation from your to-do list, and the engagement in something that is yours.
3. Self-care:This phrase may feel daunting for some, but it doesn’t have to be extravagant. You get to define what this means for you. Self-care can be something that’s planned or it can be sprinkled in throughout the day. It can look like 5 minutes of morning meditation, 30 minutes of journaling, or a daily walk outdoors. It may look like lighting a candle, playing music in the background, or wearing something that makes you feel confident. It can be done in the smallest of ways or grand gestures. The important takeaway is that it feels both good, healthy and rejuvenating. Self-care involves addressing the needs that you have, listening to them, and responding in a way that is nurturing. You are already nurturing your little one. Now you get to nurture yourself.
4. Self-reflection: It can be easy to get lost in the tasks of the day and not think about yourself. While there is value in this engagement of thoughts and actions outside of yourself, there is also value in creating time to self-reflect. After all, you are with yourself all of the time. This relationship you have with yourself requires time and attention too. In a way, self-reflection is similar to asking a loved one questions about themselves. In relationships with others, we ask questions, show genuine curiosity, and build deeper connections by getting to know one another. This is just as important to do with yourself. Check in with yourself, listen to what your wants and needs are and create room for building this relationship during this new season of life.
The relationship you have with yourself holds great value.
It not only impacts you but also the relationships you have with others. It's common to lose some of this connection with yourself immediately after having a baby. During this time, there are many changes taking place as well as increased responsibility for someone else. You have grown tremendously during this process and will need time to get to know this new version of yourself in this postpartum time.
In this space, you still matter.
You matter to yourself, your baby, and others in your life. You are worthy of being cared for, nurtured, and loved with the same devotion that you have for your baby. There may be challenges in this and that’s okay. This is new territory with different obstacles-both physical and mental. Take your time in finding what is best for you and then slowly but firmly take those steps in reconnecting with yourself so that you can blossom alongside your child. If I can be helpful, don’t hesitate to schedule a free first session in our Gorham, Maine office or for online therapy.
Supporting You,
