Maybe you have a friend who struggles a lot with anxiety. And when they feel anxious, you feel helpless. You've tried reassuring them that things aren't always as bad as it seems. You've tried distracting them from their anxiety. Maybe you've even tried subtly ignoring their comments about their anxiety.  But none of that seems to help.

Now, you're searching online for help. You want to be a good friend. You want to help your friend. So, what can you do?

Validation as a Tool for Supporting an Anxious Friend

When your friend is talking to you about their anxiety, your instinct may be to explain to them how things aren't really that bad.  But unfortunately, this can make their anxiety even worse. People are often surprised to learn that one of the best things you can do when your friend is anxious is to start by listening and validating what they are saying.

Validation is a process in which one person affirms or validates the reality, thoughts, feelings, memories, and/or experiences of another. Validation can be done verbally (e.g., “you’re right to feel that way”) or nonverbally (e.g., nodding in agreement). We all need validation because it helps us know that we are not alone with our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes people just need an understanding ear to listen without judgment in order for them to come up with their own solutions to problems they may be having.

There are six levels of validation - Here's how to use them with an anxious friend

I love using the DBT framework to think of the different ways we can use validation.   Let's look at these six different levels of validation and how each might apply to your interactions with a friend who is telling you they are feeling very anxious.

Level 1 : Pay Attention

When you are talking to your friend who is feeling anxious, the first thing that they need is for you to just pay attention. This means actively listening and showing them that you care by not interrupting or turning away from them while they are speaking.  It can be hard sometimes if our friends get worked up about their anxiety because we start thinking about how we can fix the situation. However, that's not always helpful...especially as your first move. So, it's important to try your best not to interrupt or turn away from them while they are sharing with you because this will communicate that what they have to say isn't as important. Instead, you want to show that you care by listening closely and even watching their body language.

Example: When you suggest getting dinner downtown on Friday night and your friend says they are worried it will be too difficult to park or even get a table, you can use level 1 validation by asking them to tell you more. Then, as they share actively listen without interrupting until they are through. Perhaps you're even nodding your head if it feels appropriate.

Level 2. Reflect Back

Once your friend has shared with you what they are worried about or what it feels like to live with this anxiety, the next thing you can do is reflect back or summarize their concerns. This means repeating back in your own words what they have just told you so that it shows them that you fully understand.

Note: While this level is a GREAT tool to really communicate to your friend that you've heard what they are saying and understand them, you don't want to sound like a parrot so make sure you're putting what they said into your own words. And know that you'll often have to pair this one with several other levels of validation over the course of the discussion.

Example: If you're friend has been talking about how they lay awake at night worrying about if they've done everything they need to prepare for the next day, you can say something along the lines of, "It sounds like you're worried that you won't have everything done to the point where it often keeps you from being able to sleep at night." 

Level 3: "Read Minds"

This level is where we read between the lines and try to acknowledge what isn't being said. To do this effectively, you have to be able to incorporate what you know about things they've shared in the past, their personality, what you hear them saying now, their body language and anything else that will help you understand what they're truly experiencing.  Then, you can use Level 3 validation by expressing what you think they actually mean. Don't be afraid to be wrong here. It's ok if they answer, "No, it's more like....." Most likely, your friend will still feel validated knowing that you're trying so hard to understand where they're coming from.

Example: Friend is telling you about how they're feeling really anxious about a job interview but hasn't said much more than that yet. You remember that they've been talking about wanting a job in this area for a long time, so you say, "I can tell you're really nervous. I wonder if you're putting more pressure on yourself to do well since you've been looking for a job like this for so long?" This shows your friend that you understand this is about more than a single job opportunity-this job really matters to them and you "get" that.

Level 4: Show Understanding

This level is where you use your understanding of what could be causing their anxiety and why THEY might feel so anxious....even if you wouldn't feel this anxious in the same situation. This takes it one step further than just validating that they are experiencing certain feelings or thoughts since now we're also explaining WHY those things make sense given their history, current situation and other factors. 

I used to worry this one would feel invalidating, but I've gotten feedback from clients over the years that this can actually be extremely useful if used correctly. It can help your friend essentially "put things in perspective. This form of validation tries to put someone's current situation into historical context by acknowledging how similar situations or something about their life in particular might be contributing to their anxiety.

Example:  For example, your friend is telling you that they're freaking out because their boyfriend has seemed busy lately and they wonder if he's actually cheating on them. You're pretty sure that's not what's going on, because you know he has a big deadline he's trying to meet at work. But your friend is clearly anxious. You could say something like, "Because you've been cheated on in the past, it's really hard to trust him."

Level 5: Acknowledge the Valid

I personally think this level is frequently the most validation powerful of all. It's where you acknowledge that their feelings, thoughts or beliefs are valid and true. This really lets your friend know that YOU understand how intense/strong/true these emotions feel-even if it might not make sense to anyone but them. My favorite phrase to use here is "Anyone would feel this way." However, please note it's important to only use this when you truly feel that their emotions truly are valid. Otherwise, it will come across as dismissive or invalidating. In essence, this is just where you're saying, "Your anxiety makes sense."

Example: Your friend has told you how anxious he is to give a presentation. You say, "Of course you're anxious to present. Most people are at least a little anxious speaking in front of people, especially when it's a presentation they really care about and I know this topic is important to you." Or your friend is worried they have cancer because of an odd physical health symptom, but they can't get into the doctor for weeks so you say, "Anyone would feel anxious when they're worried something is really wrong with their health and they can't get into see a doctor right away."

Level 6: Show Equality

Level 6 is all about treating your friend as an equal by being radically genuine with them.   This is being real with your friend, sharing yourself with them, and treating them as a valid, capable person. They may be used to people treating them as fragile because of their anxiety. But here, you are treating them as a whole person. This is where you be you and bring your personality to the table.

Example: Your friend has been going on and on about a situation they are anxious about. Then they say, "But I guess it will be ok." You turn to them and say, "Really? Do you really believe that?" You both start laughing and they say "I guess I don't yet but I want to believe it." Their laughter and honest response indicates they found your honesty validating.

*One note about Level 6: This one is hard to give an example for, because it varies so much based on the relationship between you or your friend and what's a level 6 validation

Putting This To Use To Help Your Anxious Friend

Can you see how these techniques might be useful the next time your friend is struggling with their anxiety and you need a way to support them? If so, feel free to comment on this post and share your initial thoughts with others who may be struggling to support their friends as well.

All of this said, anxiety is difficult to live with. And if your friend may have an anxiety disorder, just talking to you and validation from you may not be enough. They may benefit from professional support. So, start with using validation. Then, gentle recommend they consider reaching out to a mental health professional about anxiety treatment if this is really starting to interfere with their anxiety. Maybe even offer to support them in their efforts to find a therapist. If your friend lives in Maine, I highly recommend contacting Eastern Shore Counseling to ask about anxiety treatment and to learn more about getting the support they need to manage and reduce their anxiety. You can schedule your first free session with one of their anxiety counselor’s, here.

About the guest author

Jessica Tappana is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and owns a group psychotherapy practice in Missouri. Anxiety disorders are her favorite thing to treat in her own clinical work. She often incorporates elements of DBT and CBT into her work with anxious clients while also using exposure to help people reduce their overall anxiety. Jessica has seen countless clients overcome their anxiety and believes everyone deserves that sort of chance to get free from their anxiety so they can better enjoy life.