Do you go through phases of feeling disconnected in your relationships? Maybe you’re feeling misunderstood. It can be hard to enjoy relationships that feel strained and, at the same time, we as human beings continuously crave connection and a sense of belonging. This relationship strain does not have to last forever. Mending these relationships takes both inner work and effort in communication. It might be temporarily uncomfortable. If you can push through the discomfort, you will create opportunities for greater and more authentic connection in your relationships. 

Sometimes the discomfort we are experiencing in relationships is more of a reflection of the discomfort we are experiencing in ourselves.

Frustration with others or a desire to change the behaviors of others may stem from inner turmoil that has little to do with the person of focus. It’s invaluable to check in with yourself when you begin feeling this tension. 

Here are some signals to look out for, telling you it’s time for reflection: 

• You’re irritated by small, harmless behaviors of one person or many people (ex: the way they eat, walk, speak)

• You are hyper focused on the problems of others:

  • You may realize that the majority of your conversations are focused on the annoyances you have with other people

  • You find yourself thinking about the behaviors of others often, leading to cyclical thoughts about this person and an emotional reaction within yourself. 

• You find yourself bickering with others about surface level things (ex: how a person is driving, arguing about dinner options, annoyance with clothing choices)

• You feel on edge when you’re around other people

• You experience the feeling of disgust by harmless behaviors of others

While we often tend to think that these signals warrant a change from others, the reality is that they often point to discomfort within ourselves. It can be a very humbling practice to take these signals as a need for reflection. It can also be very challenging as it feels easier to focus on the challenges within others than it does to take a solid inventory of where we need to change. It takes a lot of courage and it is very much worth it. Engaging in this practice will not only improve your relationships with others, but can also increase your level of self-trust as you learn to listen to your needs and take action where you can. 

This reflection process might look different for everyone. It might be as simple as asking yourself, “what am I struggling with right now and how can I support myself?” For most of us, it’s going to take a bit more time and effort to break this down and truly address internal needs. This process can take effect in several different ways. Here are some ideas: 

• Journaling: You can freely journal how you’re feeling or you can follow guided prompts (examples below)

• Walking: Getting outside and moving can help feelings and thoughts surface. It can be a helpful way to disconnect from others and focus inward as you process through some lingering thoughts and feelings that need space to come out and make sense. 

• Expressive arts: Creative outlets allow for freedom in expression and can help us process how we are feeling when it’s difficult to articulate. Tapping into your feelings and allowing them to come out in this creative process can feel both freeing and clarifying. 

• Speaking freely alone and/or recording your words: When thoughts become cyclical or maladaptive, it can often be helpful to speak them out loud. You can utilize time alone to speak on how you feel or record it and listen back. This will allow you to stop the internal cycle and potentially find solutions. 

It can be challenging to know where to start. This gets easier with time and practice. To begin, it can be helpful to have prompts for reflection. Below are examples of questions you can reflect on as you do your inner work. 

• Try to carve out a space and time for reflection. Clear your space of distractions. You may want to play soft music, light a candle, and sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Check in. Ask yourself: 

• “What am I feeling right now?” 

• “Who am I feeling disconnected from?”

• “What do I hope to change in this relationship?”

• “What can I change within me that would reflect positively in my relationship?” 
  

• Take a deep breath. Accept yourself for where you are at. You’re doing great. 

Now let’s dig a little deeper: 

• “What is my attitude towards myself and towards others?”

• “What are my beliefs that are forming this attitude?”

• “What am I wanting to change within me?”

• “How are my beliefs affecting my thoughts and my interactions with others?”

• “When did this pattern begin?”

• “Who do I need to forgive? What actions can I take to help me to forgive?”

• “How can I hold compassion for the mistakes I’ve made and begin healing?” 

• “What inner dialogue could I revise to bring greater positivity to my relationships?”

Take 3 deep breaths. Give yourself grace. Remind yourself that you are gathering this information, not to criticize yourself, but to develop understanding for where this started, and to choose where you can engage in change. 

As you begin healing your relationship with yourself, you’ll notice that your relationships with others become easier. When you let go of internal judgments of self and begin to treat yourself with kindness, the ripple effect occurs within your relationships. You become free to speak honestly, set healthy boundaries, and view others from the same lens you are viewing yourself. 

Doing work within to improve your relationships with others is an ongoing process. Maladaptive thought patterns may sneak back in and begin steering the wheel in your relationships. You always have the power to take a step back, reflect, and steer the wheel in the direction of repair. 

You will continue to have disagreements and you may experience times of disconnection. Changing someone else is never the answer. You can always speak on issues regarding the behaviors of another, but it is only up to them to change. The power you hold lies in your ability to reflect, identify areas of needed change from within, and take action. 

An Affirmation For You:

“Sometimes, especially during the holidays, I find that relationships can be strained. I know that, in the past, I failed to enjoy some of my relatives. I am choosing to change that behavior.

I look forward to better days ahead as I work to mend these relationships.

First, I start with myself. I do some self-analysis to determine what I could change within me that would reflect positively in my relationships. I begin with my attitude. I dig down underneath my attitude to find the beliefs that are the foundation of my thoughts. I dig down a little further to find where the pattern started.

I work on forgiveness within me and toward anyone outside of me.

I feel better already. I take a deep breath and give myself a hug. I am proud of the work I just did on my inner relationship with myself.

Now that I have cleaned out my inner closet, I see that my external world has changed.

Feeling much lighter and brighter, I meet the day with a smile. I notice things don’t bother me as much. I treat others with kindness. I even manage to smile with my eyes. 

I recognize now that most of my issues were all in my head.

Today, I apologize to myself and others for any miscommunications that have happened in the past. I am ready to turn over a new leaf and repair my relationships.”

Working on the relationship with yourself so you can show up more fully (and authentically) in your relationships, takes time. It would be an honor to walk alongside of you and support you in this process. If you find that seeking out a mental health counselor would be a good next step in your journey, schedule your first free session and lets see what is possible.

Cheering You On,