Goals are a great way to provide direction. They can allow you to maintain focus on what you would like to bring into your life or what you would like to achieve. When goals are presented to a perfectionist, things might get a little intense. Perfectionism insists that you not only achieve a goal, but master it. You must be the best at what you do and maintain that level of perfection long-term. 

Yikes…quite the undertaking, right? Alongside motivation, the person inhabiting this perfectionism begins to feel quite nervous. Thoughts begin to emerge such as: “What if I don’t succeed?”,“What happens if I’m not the best?”, or “If I fail, I’ll be worthless.” The pressure that exists under these high expectations is palpable. It may at first create motivation, but ultimately ends in dissatisfaction, feelings of unworthiness, and even a freeze response. 

I like to think of the person who carries these traits as someone separate from the perfectionist. This person is going through life with a perfectionist close by, whispering criticisms and unattainable goals in this person's ear. The perfectionist stands near, trying to tell you that if you follow their instructions closely, then you will avoid feelings of shame and attain love through admiration and praise. The perfectionist thinks that they're helping you, but sadly, they're getting in the way of you experiencing a loving, kind, and compassionate relationship with yourself and others. 

Perfectionists get loud when goals come around. They hear that this is an opportunity to finally achieve a level of perfection that will make you indefinitely lovable and worthy. They pressure their person to set many goals and both achieve and sustain these quickly. Then, they get angry when these unrealistic expectations aren’t met. These unmet goals often bring up deep feelings of shame. The very thing that the perfectionist was trying to avoid. 

If you have a perfectionist whispering criticisms in your ear, then it’s time to flip the script. Talk back to them. Give your perfectionist some boundaries so that they consistently hear that they are not in charge of you. 

Goal Setting for the Perfectionist — 3 Ways to reduce pressure and find fulfillment in your goals

1. AwarenessFor perfectionism to not take over, you’ll first need to recognize when it begins to show itself. It’s important to be mindful of what is happening in you and around you. Become aware of the very things that trigger your perfectionist to come out. From a broad perspective, we can expect that this reaction will happen when achievement is being measured. It will also come up any time you begin to feel shame. Notice the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors triggered by your perfectionist. An array of emotions might come up such as excitement, fear, dread, disappointment, or shame. 

Thoughts are often focused on working harder. The perfectionist wants you to do more, set the bar higher, and achieve great success. Pay attention to the phrases it uses to motivate you to work harder. 

Behaviors might look like packing in your schedule, establishing unattainable goals (they may seem attainable to you, so check in with your people to see what they think), or could even look like inaction. When perfectionism becomes overwhelming, the tendency is to freeze. It’s too much and this makes it hard to do anything at all since typical effort won’t meet the standards the perfectionist is placing on you. 

Once you hold the awareness of how and when your perfectionism appears, it becomes much easier to step in at a time that can change your course of action. 

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2. Respond to Perfectionism

When perfectionism gives a pep talk or even criticizes you, hold them accountable. Respond to these thoughts with a rebuttal. When you stay silent, the words used by the perfectionist become your reality. When you, instead, apply critical thinking and begin a challenging dialogue with it, you can make healthier connections in your thought patterns. 

Let’s say your perfectionist hears that you want to begin a goal of practicing yoga. The perfectionist begins feeling energized and starts sending messages your way. These may sound like: “Wow, you’re going to be the best yogi out there.” “You’ll have to practice daily to be a true yogi” “You’re going to need all new workout attire and equipment.” “Make sure you focus on all the styles of yoga so that you don’t look uninformed.” “No matter what, you must practice. Even if you’re feeling unwell or don’t get enough sleep, this achievement is more valuable than that. You must push through whatever comes your way.” 

Sound familiar?

The expectations will always be high and the sacrifices you’ll need to make to achieve these expectations won’t matter to the perfectionist. This is when you can call the perfectionist out and stand up for yourself. 

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Here’s how that may sound:

“I hear that you want me to be successful in this. I know you’re trying to protect me from feeling shame. The problem is, these high expectations and the pressure to always be successful is burdensome for me. It actually makes me feel more shame in the end. Yoga is something I’d love to enjoy as a practice. I want yoga to feel healing to me and it won’t be if there’s so much rigidity involved. This practice is for me. It’s not to prove myself to anyone. I am deserving of the joy and peace that this can bring into my life.”

The response given to the perfectionist requires pulling away from the pressure to achieve a certain identity. You’ll need to pull back and look at the big picture of why this goal holds value to you. If the goal isn’t focused on your well-being or what you truly want, then it needs to be re-evaluated. Remind the perfectionist that you are no longer living for the approval of others, but rather for your fulfillment. 

3. Engage in Opposite Action

In the previous step, you’re using your voice to work against the perfectionist. In this step, you’re using your actions. Once you have built awareness and spoken back to the perfectionist, it’s time to hold your stance by acting in a way that is serving you and not your perfectionist. Following up with the yoga practice, this would look like engaging in a yoga practice at a pace that feels sustainable and fulfilling to yourself. It may look like beginning a practice of 2 days per week when the perfectionist wants 7. It may look like stepping into each practice with affirmations focused on fulfillment and healing rather than achievement. Each time you hear what your perfectionist wants you to do, you’ll engage in the opposite. You will consistently be pulling away from the extreme ideas that the perfectionist holds for you. Instead of engaging in all or nothing behaviors, you’ll be finding a pace that suits your needs and lifestyle. 

Perfectionism has deep roots. It takes time to uncover these and establish a new relationship with what success looks like. Make sure you hold patience with yourself as you step into this new way of observing, thinking, and acting alongside your perfectionist. There will be times when the pressure feels high and you’ll want to give in to the perfectionist. There will be other times when the perfectionist sneaks by and you only catch it once you're fully immersed in these thoughts and actions. In these moments, remind yourself of your value just as you are.

You were born whole and beautiful. You were born worthy.

Sink back into that part of yourself and slowly pull away from the perfectionist so that you can see clearly again. If you want changes in your life and your habits, that’s possible, but let’s first shine some love and gratitude on you that exists today.

Anxiety Treatment in Gorham, Maine

Brian Holbach

Mental Health Coach

Lauren MacKellar

Licensed Professional Counselor